I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
