I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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