I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
