I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
