I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
