I'm eating all of the evidence.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
