you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
