Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
