Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
