FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
