so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
