today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
