He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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