Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
