I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
