I cannot find my penis.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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