I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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