phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
