i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Randomize
