He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
i've created a new STD.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
