why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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