My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
