Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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