I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
