Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
