dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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