the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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