I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
