I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
