Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
