Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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