the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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