Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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