this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
