wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
