he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
