i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
