You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
