I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
