She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
