really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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