Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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