Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
