Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
