how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
