listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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