Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
