You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
