Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
