Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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