You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
