when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
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