Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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