i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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