You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
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where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
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When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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