i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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