why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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